I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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