she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
