Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
