My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
