Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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