if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
