awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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