Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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