she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
