toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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