I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
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It's blow job season.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
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I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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