i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
