He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Randomize
