Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
