i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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