i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
