the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
