I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
