me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So much rum. So many feels.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
