I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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