I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
