girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
