I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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