I faked an abortion last night.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
