The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Randomize
