My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
