She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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