mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
