So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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