I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
