I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
