the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
