I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
