dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize