Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
