Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
