I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
