is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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