They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
