never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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