I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
