I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
