i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
