Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
