I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
