So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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