did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
