Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
