I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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