Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
