He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
