Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
